Archives for melinda

Feeling Like A Failure?

I have experienced success in several realms in my life.  I was a successful student throughout my formal education.  I have been married for 30 years and my husband and I raised three children and a plethora of family pets together.  All three of my children were homeschooled through high school, which was a huge accomplishment for all of us. As a matter of fact, I had met most of my life goals by the time I turned 30 years old so I proceeded to set some more goals in case I lived a long life.

Actually, I just hatThe questionnairee failure and have such an aversion to it I set goals for myself that I am  confident I can achieve and the reasonableness of my goals increases my likelihood of success.  I experience much satisfaction when I feel that I’ve accomplished the tasks I’ve set out to do. That’s why I really like checklists, because marking items off the list gives me a tangible feeling of productivity.  In truth, there are many times that I will add things to my “To Do” list that I have already completed just for the satisfaction of checking them off the list.

Perhaps another reason I got pleasure out of completing the small, daily tasks on my checklist is because homeschooling was not always meeting that need for me.  School, it seemed, was never over.  Even when the academic work for the day was finished there were many other areas in which my children needed instruction. I craved a sense of accomplishment and proof that goals had been met.  In light of this, during much of the homeschooling time our actual accomplishments were nebulous.  I knew the kids and I were putting in the time and effort, but where were the definitive results?  The days flowed into each other and I didn’t have precise evidence that adequate progress was being made in a linear, recognizable, objective, and measurable way.

Some homeschoolers are just able to sense that progress is being made, and that impression gives them all the reassurance that they need.  They know they are doing the right things, are on track, and will ultimately finish the course they have set.  I personally have never been very intuitive when it comes to homeschooling, and my analytical thinking patterns often led me to fear I had failed my children. I worried I hadn’t covered enough material in a given subject area, or that I had spent too much time on certain topics and not enough on others.  Was I teaching at the right grade level?  Was I using the best curriculum?  Was I pacing the schedule to meet the individual needs of my struggling learners as well as my typically developing child?

If the answer to any of those questions was negative, I felt like a failure.  Even if I was on target for 9 out of 10 areas, that one missing or lacking aspect to our homeschooling left me feeling inadequate for the huge responsibility of educating my children.  It’s hard when other people question your decision to homeschool, and even harder when you question yourself without a liberal dose of grace. images.duckduckgo.com

There is no perfect homeschool family.  Even the most successful homeschoolers have to work with occasional if not frequent obstacles and circumstances that are not ideal. At various times throughout my homeschooling years I met people who would comment that they didn’t know how I managed to do all the things I accomplished.  I remember thinking that others probably were doing a better job of homeschooling than I was, and my thoughts would return to my perceived deficits as an educator. Ironically, those intended compliments left me feeling even more like a failure because I knew how much more I had hoped to achieve with my children.

I eventually had the insight that others might be doing the exact same things I did each day, but instead of feeling inadequate they experienced contentment.  These people knew how to take a long view with their homeschooling and focused more on what was going right in their homeschool than the areas in need of improvement.  Surprisingly, some people seemed impressed by what I was accomplishing despite having children with AD/HD, sensory processing challenges, and auditory processing difficulties.  I homeschooled for years before it occurred to me that it was okay to acknowledge that teaching struggling learners was harder than average and to give myself credit for any and all progress made.  In our family, homeschool successes were hard-won and worthy of celebration.  So I learned to celebrate instead of commiserate.

I can’t honestly say that I never doubted myself again, or that I always noticed and appreciated the gains made during our homeschool time.  I invested my life in my children, so when they weren’t successful I felt that disappointment on a heart level.  I had to learn, alongside my children, that setbacks do not make one a failure.  It was easier to admonish my children not to focus on disappointments than it was for me to follow my own advice, but with determination and practice we all learned that failing at a task does not make the whole person a failure.  Neither does feeling like a failure make it true that you are one.

“I Forgot to Remember.” Working Memory Help for ADHD Kids

I have a new article published in ADDitude magazine.

ADDitude

 

 

 

“I Forgot to Remember.” Working Memory Help for ADHD Kids

Please check out this fine e-zine.  It is a terrific source for help, strategies and support.

 

 

 

 

Homeschool Preppers

It is hard to go for long without hearing someone talk about the state of the world. There are those who predict doom because of the spiritual state of our world. Others anticipate a government takeover which will include the abolition of personal rights regarding free speech, gun ownership, owning personal property, and more. The disaster-fearing weigh in with predictions of natural disasters causing global disruption or electro-magnetic pulses (EMP) that would render all of our technical devices unusable and worthless, leaving us vulnerable in numerous ways since we have become dependent to some degree on technology. Still others believe that our economy will collapse and the currency we use will have little or no value once the collapse occurs. Prepping in some form bears consideration.
Whether the extreme predictions come true, or just a facsimile of them, there seems to be a consensus that some degree of change in the world is imminent. There are differing opinions on how much “prepping” a family should do, but even if you are just planning on making small changes, homeschooling provides wonderful opportunities to incorporate planning and undertake projects in order to be better prepared for the future.
Personally, my faith remains rock-solid that God is in control of all things and I can trust him to lead and use my family as He sees fit. We are told in Matthew 10:16 to be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. Given that many people much smarter and wiser than I am are exhorting people to prepare for some of the uncertainties of the future, I want to make the most of my time and resources. I don’t want to become obsessed or anxious about possible future difficulties. At the same time, I really don’t want to die stupidly. So my husband and I have been reading up on ways to survive various doomsday predictions, without becoming overwhelmed by all the possible scenarios. We just want to be responsible to take care of our family and we would like to be in a position to help care for others in need. One of the first things we considered was food supplies.
If the grocery stores ran out of food, we would be in trouble because we know very little about raising plants and gardening. I used to joke that I had a brown thumb since everything I planted died. Those of you who raise crops on farms or who are avid gardeners have an advantage and hold much-needed knowledge about growing food. My family was eager to learn and we had to start somewhere, so we planted a vegetable garden with a variety of vegetables. Most of them grew well but a few did not. We don’t know why some of what we planted thrived in the garden while others never produced anything.
How much space do you want to devote to growing your own food? This would be a great homeschool project, to figure out what kind of soil to use, when to plant different vegetables, how deep to plant the seeds, and how far apart to space the plants. Some plants need thinning, so it would be good to read up on which plants and when the thinning should take place. Your homeschool students could research which plants bear fruit throughout a season, and which ones will only produce a harvest at one time. What is the best time to plant? Should everything you intend to grow be planted at once, or on a staggered schedule?
There are so many things to consider once you delve into gardening. We have learned that some plants do better when placed next to specific other plants. We didn’t worry about watering until days went by with no rain and we realized we needed to figure out when and how much water our plants needed. I made the mistake of watering a plant in the middle of a sunny, scorching hot day and the poor plant just fried up. It was sad but educational, and some of the learning process includes figuring out what not to do.
Being the big city dwellers we are, our mental image of broccoli is a nice clean bunch held together by a strong rubber band and freshly misted in the produce department of the grocery store. With great anticipation, we planted broccoli and waited for the harvest. We waited and waited, but it never really looked like the broccoli in the store and one day we realized it was past the point of harvesting and had gone to seed. Clearly, we have much to learn.
As I was studying up on what plants would be best for the plot of land we could devote to a garden, I came across an article that suggested there are many edible foods growing wild. I took a look at the pictures in the article and realized that I had an abundance of one of the edible plants in my own yard. Think of the money I could save! I read some of the ways people eat the weed, which was something in the nettle family, and decided to try and use some in a green smoothie. I harvested, then used my smoothie maker and added vanilla yogurt and some fruit. In my enthusiasm, I went way overboard with the amount of weeds added, and the result was not impressive. My son said it tasted like grass clippings and my husband gamely stated that if we had to, we could drink it. Another lesson learned.
Even a relatively small project like ours involved learning opportunities with math, science, history, and exploration. Some of our garden was best used as compost, but we learned about the importance of compost and how to best procure it. We measured and observed plant growth, sunlight and water, and even which insects were pests and which could be helpful in a garden. We talked about planning for the future, and how we had the opportunity to hone our skills while still having local markets available if our garden didn’t succeed.
Gardening also allows students to be assigned age-appropriate chores. One student could be responsible for weeding, while another’s task is to water the garden, and so on. It is a good way to instill the message that “In our family, we work together”. Not only are these chores meaningful, they provide accountability because each family member is counting on the rest to contribute via their assigned tasks. Our children learn that their contributions matter and if chores are neglected there will be natural consequences.
No matter how developed your family’s skill set is, it is a good idea to try gardening even if you only plant a few vegetables in pots. Your students will learn new skills while enjoying the healthy foods they tended throughout the growing season. If your garden really takes off, you might even have enough to share with neighbors. There’s something about homegrown food that just tastes better than store bought. Harvesting from your own garden is a satisfying accomplishment that just may be the beginning of a love of gardening for you and your children.

Going Green Smoothie

It’s hard to go for long without hearing someone talk about the state of the world.  There are those who predict doom because of the spiritual state of our world.  Others anticipate a government takeover which will include the abolition of personal rights regarding free speech, gun ownership, owning personal property, and more.  The disaster-fearing weigh in with predictions of natural disasters causing global disruption or electro-magnetic pulses (EMP) that would render all of our technical devices unusable and worthless, leaving us vulnerable in numerous ways since we have become dependent to some degree of technology.  Still others believe that our economy will collapse and the currency we use will have little or no value once the collapse occurs. Prepping in some form bears consideration.

Whether the extreme predictions come true, or just a facsimile of them, there seems to be a consensus that some degree of change will take place imminently.  There are differing opinions on how much “prepping” a family should do, but even if you are just planning on making small changes, homeschooling provides wonderful opportunities to incorporate planning and undertake projects in order to be better prepared for the future.

Personally, my faith remains rock-solid that God is in control of all things and I can trust him to lead and use my family as He sees fit.  We are told in Matthew 10:16 to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.  Given that many people much smarter and wiser than I am are exhorting people to prepare for some of the uncertainties of the future, I want to make the most of my time and resources.  I don’t want to become obsessed or anxious about possible future difficulties.  At the same time, I really don’t want to die stupidly.  So my husband and I have been reading up on ways to survive various doomsday predictions, without becoming overwhelmed by all the possible scenarios.  We just want to be responsible to take care of our family and we would like to be in a position to help care for others in need. One of the first things we considered was food supplies.

If the grocery stores ran out of food, we would be in trouble because we know very little about raising plants and gardening. I used to joke that I had a brown thumb since everything I planted died.  Those of you who raise crops on farms or who are avid gardeners have an advantage and hold much-needed knowledge about growing food. My family was eager to learn and we had to start somewhere, so we planted a vegetable garden with a variety of vegetables. Most of them grew well but a few did not.  We don’t know why some of what we planted thrived in the garden while others never produced anything.

How much space do you want to devote to growing your own food?  This would be a great homeschool project, to figure out what kind of soil to use, when to plant different vegetables, how deep to plant the seeds, and how far apart to space the plants.  Some plants need thinning, so it would be good to read up on which plants and when the thinning should take place.  Your homeschool students could research which plants bear fruit throughout a season, and which ones will only produce a harvest at one time.  What is the best time to plant?  Should everything you intend to grow be planted at once, or on a staggered schedule?

There are so many things to consider once you delve into gardening.  We have learned that some plants do better when placed next to specific other plants.  We didn’t worry about watering until days went by with no rain and we realized we needed to figure out when and how much water our plants needed.  I made the mistake of watering a plant in the middle of a sunny, scorching hot day and the poor plant just fried up.  It was sad but educational, and some of the learning process includes figuring out what not to do.

Being the big city dwellers we are, our mental image of broccoli is a nice clean bunch held together by a strong rubber band and freshly misted in the produce department of the grocery store.  With great anticipation, we planted broccoli and waited for the harvest.  We waited and waited, but it never really looked like the broccoli in the store and one day we realized it was past the point of harvesting and had gone to seed.  Clearly, we have much to learn.

As I was studying up on what plants would be best for the plot of land we could devote to a garden, I came across an article that suggested there are many edible foods growing wild.  I took a look at the pictures in the article and realized that I had an abundance of one of the edible plants in my own yard.  Think of the money I could save!  I read some of the ways people eat the weed, which was something in the nettle family, and decided to try and use some in a green smoothie.  I harvested, then used my smoothie maker and added vanilla yogurt and some fruit.  In my enthusiasm, I went way overboard with the amount of weeds added, and the result was not impressive.  My son said it tasted like grass clippings and my husband gamely stated that if we had to, we could drink it.  Another lesson learned.

Even a relatively small project like ours involved learning opportunities with math, science, history, and exploration.  Some of our garden was best used as compost, but we learned about the importance of compost and how to best procure it.  We measured and observed plant growth, sunlight and water, and even which insects were pests and which could be helpful in a garden.  We talked about planning for the future, and how we had the opportunity to hone our skills while still having local markets available if our garden didn’t succeed.

No matter how developed your family’s skill set is, it is a good idea to try gardening even if you only plant a few vegetables in pots.  Your students will learn new skills while enjoying the healthy foods they tended throughout the growing season.  If your garden really takes off, you might even have enough to share with neighbors.  There’s something about homegrown food that just tastes better than store bought.  Harvesting from your own garden is a satisfying accomplishment that just may be the beginning of a love of gardening for you and your children.

ADHD Secrets My Teacher Should Know

Link to Melinda and Josh’s article in ADDitude magazine.

Subtitled:

A student with attention deficit gives advice to his teacher to bring out their unified best in the classroom.

Check it out!

The Boy Whose Brain Could Unlock Autism

IMAGINE BEING BORN into a world of bewildering, inescapable sensory overload, like a visitor from a much darker, calmer, quieter planet. Your mother’s eyes: a strobe light. Your father’s voice: a growling jackhammer. That cute little onesie everyone thinks is so soft? Sandpaper with diamond grit. And what about all that cooing and affection? A barrage of chaotic, indecipherable input, a cacophony of raw, unfilterable data.

Just to survive, you’d need to be excellent at detecting any pattern you could find in the frightful and oppressive noise. To stay sane, you’d have to control as much as possible, developing a rigid focus on detail, routine and repetition. Systems in which specific inputs produce predictable outputs would be far more attractive than human beings, with their mystifying and inconsistent demands and their haphazard behavior.

This, Markram and his wife, Kamila, argue, is what it’s like to be autistic.

They call it the “intense world” syndrome.

The behavior that results is not due to cognitive deficits—the prevailing view in autism research circles today—but the opposite, they say. Rather than being oblivious, autistic people take in too much and learn too fast. While they may appear bereft of emotion, the Markrams insist they are actually overwhelmed not only by their own emotions, but by the emotions of others.

Read the full article

One Solitary Life

He was born in an obscure village
The child of a peasant woman
He grew up in another obscure village
Where he worked in a carpenter shop
Until he was thirty

He never wrote a book
He never held an office
He never went to college
He never visited a big city
He never travelled more than two hundred miles
From the place where he was born
He did none of the things
Usually associated with greatness
He had no credentials but himself

He was only thirty three

His friends ran away
One of them denied him
He was turned over to his enemies
And went through the mockery of a trial
He was nailed to a cross between two thieves
While dying, his executioners gambled for his clothing
The only property he had on earth

When he was dead
He was laid in a borrowed grave
Through the pity of a friend

Nineteen centuries have come and gone
And today Jesus is the central figure of the human race
And the leader of mankind’s progress
All the armies that have ever marched
All the navies that have ever sailed
All the parliaments that have ever sat
All the kings that ever reigned put together
Have not affected the life of mankind on earth
As powerfully as that one solitary life

Dr James Allan © 1926.

 

Merry Christmas to all

Merry Christmas from Mr. Darcy

   My daughter Beth is a smart, beautiful, caring person.  She is a teacher and advocate for special needs children.

And she is talented.  I mean she is really talented.   She can knit and crochet.  She can look at a pattern once, and churn it out.  While watching a movie.  In the dark.  With all kinds of special twists, turns and doo-hickies in the scarf or sweater or afghan or blanket or…..  well you get the idea.

 

But she is also a terrific photographer.  She has a great eye for details, and a sense of the exact moment to snap that picture.   I could take thousands of pictures, every day of my life and not come up with even one of the gems that she does on a regular basis.

 

Exhibit A:   Merry Christmas from Mr. Darcy.

NOTE:  Beth called me to let me know that is not her picture.  It was taken by some of her friends.  To see more of David and Deborah’s work, please go to www.dsquaredphotovideo.com.  (Egg on my face!)

For comparison, here is Beth’s original picture, which I still think is terrific!

 

How Hard Should We Push Our Kids?

Have you ever worried because your child seems unmotivated?  Perhaps he does the bare minimum amount of work required for his school assignments.  Maybe your daughter waits to be told what to do and needs constant supervision to ensure that she completes assignments.  These children just don’t seem to care if they learn or not, and they are certainly not self-motivated when it comes time to do schoolwork.  Here’s an interesting thought.  Everyone is motivated to do something, and if you learn to be observant of your child he will show you what motivates him.

Ideally, you want your child to have intrinsic motivation, meaning they are internally motivated to succeed at tasks.  These are the children who push themselves to greater achievement.  Working hard to achieve good results is very satisfying.  They want to do well and don’t need to have a teacher standing over them to keep them on task because they feel rewarded by a job well done.   In extreme cases, and sometimes into adulthood, these students appear self-driven to accomplish their goals.  Children like these do not need much parental pushing to challenge them to work hard because they have learned how to motivate and push themselves toward greater knowledge and skills.

Then there are the children who are not intrinsically motivated and are dependent on externalized prompts and perceived rewards to entice them to work hard.  They will work for prizes or extra privileges.  They respond to reward systems that offer some sort of desirable treat or activity with great frequency, because they can’t work too hard or long for a distant reward.  They tend to live in the moment and not give a lot of thought to what may or may not occur in the future. They need lots of pats on the back and little rewards to keep them going because they are not intrinsically satisfied by working hard and getting things done.

Do these children need to be pushed along?  I think so.  Without any parental input they might never choose to do schoolwork.  For some of us, if we wait until our children indicate that they are ready and willing to learn we could be waiting a long, long time.  Usually our children have at least a few areas that are of interest to them, but often these are not the academic subjects that we must teach.  Our children may be motivated to play video games or draw pictures, but for activities that are not highly interesting to them they simply don’t have the internal drive to do those tasks anyway.

Yes, there are many children who need a gentle push to keep them moving in the right direction.  How much we push depends on the needs of the children.  For example, a student may appear unmotivated when in fact he is a struggling learner and the work actually is harder for him than for most children.  We push such a student to do his best by providing the support and strategies that will help him learn.  When there is truly a learning difference, we can’t just push the child to try harder.  We can, however, teach this child how to be persistent, how to advocate for what he needs and the importance of doing his best in everything he sets out to do.

Another factor in how much we should push our children is their developmental level.  Notice I did not say to go by how old they are, but by their developmental level.  That is because there are great variations in maturity, and using chronological age as the determining factor in your expectations for a child is often not the best criteria.  Some children are slower to mature, and all the well-intended pushing we can muster will not force their bodies and brains to mature more quickly.  A rule of thumb that I use is to push the children in order to challenge them, but don’t push so much that it just frustrates them.  In that case, pushing our children backfires and we have additional resistance to our attempts to move them along more quickly.

A final consideration is your child’s temperament.  Some children tend to be shy or introverted.  Should you push these children into social situations because they have to learn how to deal with a lot of different kinds of people?  While that may be true, I think it’s important to be sensitive to our children’s comfort level.  I have an introverted child who finds crowded social situations stressful and draining.  Should I push him into more group situations so he can get used to it?  I think not.  If I force my child to engage in a lot of social activities when he does not feel the need for them and does not enjoy them, I think it sends a message to the child that I am trying to change him.  In the child’s mind, our attempts to push them into uncomfortable situations often become translated as “There must be something wrong with me because I really don’t enjoy this at all.”

We all want our children to be successful.  Some will mature and become more motivated while others will always be more reliant on external motivators.  Here’s the rub.  We can do our children a disservice if we don’t push them because their childish ways could prevent them from learning what they need to know.  On the other hand, if we push too hard we can frustrate and discourage our children and that negatively impacts our relationship with them.  How do you decide how much to push your children?  As for me, I always felt like I was just the slightest bit out of balance no matter how much or how little I pushed my children.  Being a good teacher and parent is not an exact science, but we can continually make corrections as needed once we learn to observe our children and the ways they learn.

Blessed and Blessing During Holidays

The holidays present families with many opportunities to share the love of Christ.  It’s a wonderful experience when a family can serve together, ministering to others in ways that are personal and meaningful.  Some families make arrangements to minister together and enjoy fellowship as they seek to bless others.  Having a child with special needs presents challenges for participation in some activities, but with a little advanced planning it can be done.

When a child has health issues, it may be difficult to commit to scheduled ministry opportunities.  It is not always advisable to go out in inclement weather, and a child with asthma may not do well in cold weather.  A child with a weak immune system may become ill too easily to risk exposure to many people.  Even the presence of a new baby can make the thought of packing everyone up to pursue a ministry opportunity a bit overwhelming.

If this has you nodding your head or mentally adding your own list of hurdles to the ones I have mentioned, let me get you thinking in another direction.  There are ways you can enjoy fellowship and bless others right from your own home.  During this holiday season, your family might be better suited to invite other families to your home to engage in a ministry activity.  One simple but much appreciated gift to others is to bless those in nursing homes, hospitals, or the military with notes and cards.  Provide a stack of cards and blank postcards along with crayons, markers, and colored pencils.  Adults and children can work on cards together, praying for the future recipients.  Children who are not able to write could draw pictures or use rubber stamps to decorate the cards and envelopes.  Some children could put the cards into envelopes and put postage stamps in place.  Sing a few carols together and you may have the start of a new holiday tradition for your family.

Children can bless their own families by writing the addresses on the Christmas card envelopes.  Besides helping to get the task done they will be practicing penmanship, learning how to address envelopes properly, and working on language arts as they apply rules for capital letters. Another child can apply the postage stamps, or sign the cards for the family.  And yes, I’d count that as “school”!

For those who are able to venture out, look for volunteer opportunities that will allow everyone in your family to actively participate.  My family has volunteered several times with the Salvation Army Operation Christmas Cheer.  Since this program has a variety of jobs we were able to match up our children with a task appropriate for their ages as well as their personalities and special needs.  My daughters each had a designated food item to hand to families as they passed by our line.  Both of them were busy but not so pressured that they couldn’t smile and say “Merry Christmas” to those they served.  They were right next to me so I could provide support as needed.

My son, Josh, loves to help others but has AD/HD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in addition to sensory processing challenges that made the noise level in the warehouse setting adverse for him after a few minutes.  He and his Dad took on the job of helping people by pushing carts or carrying boxes out and loading them into cars.  They could talk to and sometimes pray for the individuals they were assisting.  Josh’s hyperactivity and willingness to work were actually applauded and Josh felt affirmed as he served others.

If your child has a wheelchair or other equipment it can be tough to navigate in some settings. Visiting a hospital or nursing home to deliver cards or sing carols is a great way for a physically challenged child to minister along with his or her family.  Nursing home and hospital staff are used to medical equipment and these areas are disability accessible. When my family visited a nursing home, I saw tenderness revealed in Josh as he held an elderly man’s hand and helped him walk slowly back to his room.  My hyperactive son was patient and attentive in ways I hadn’t seen in other settings. The blessings flowed across generations in that situation.

It may take creative thinking and problem solving, but there are many that families with special needs children can bless others in special ways during the holidays.  Whether your family thrives on excitement or prefers to have a more low key atmosphere, you will be blessed as you allow the Lord to use you to bless others.