homeschooling

Feeling Like A Failure?

I have experienced success in several realms in my life.  I was a successful student throughout my formal education.  I have been married for 30 years and my husband and I raised three children and a plethora of family pets together.  All three of my children were homeschooled through high school, which was a huge accomplishment for all of us. As a matter of fact, I had met most of my life goals by the time I turned 30 years old so I proceeded to set some more goals in case I lived a long life.

Actually, I just hatThe questionnairee failure and have such an aversion to it I set goals for myself that I am  confident I can achieve and the reasonableness of my goals increases my likelihood of success.  I experience much satisfaction when I feel that I’ve accomplished the tasks I’ve set out to do. That’s why I really like checklists, because marking items off the list gives me a tangible feeling of productivity.  In truth, there are many times that I will add things to my “To Do” list that I have already completed just for the satisfaction of checking them off the list.

Perhaps another reason I got pleasure out of completing the small, daily tasks on my checklist is because homeschooling was not always meeting that need for me.  School, it seemed, was never over.  Even when the academic work for the day was finished there were many other areas in which my children needed instruction. I craved a sense of accomplishment and proof that goals had been met.  In light of this, during much of the homeschooling time our actual accomplishments were nebulous.  I knew the kids and I were putting in the time and effort, but where were the definitive results?  The days flowed into each other and I didn’t have precise evidence that adequate progress was being made in a linear, recognizable, objective, and measurable way.

Some homeschoolers are just able to sense that progress is being made, and that impression gives them all the reassurance that they need.  They know they are doing the right things, are on track, and will ultimately finish the course they have set.  I personally have never been very intuitive when it comes to homeschooling, and my analytical thinking patterns often led me to fear I had failed my children. I worried I hadn’t covered enough material in a given subject area, or that I had spent too much time on certain topics and not enough on others.  Was I teaching at the right grade level?  Was I using the best curriculum?  Was I pacing the schedule to meet the individual needs of my struggling learners as well as my typically developing child?

If the answer to any of those questions was negative, I felt like a failure.  Even if I was on target for 9 out of 10 areas, that one missing or lacking aspect to our homeschooling left me feeling inadequate for the huge responsibility of educating my children.  It’s hard when other people question your decision to homeschool, and even harder when you question yourself without a liberal dose of grace. images.duckduckgo.com

There is no perfect homeschool family.  Even the most successful homeschoolers have to work with occasional if not frequent obstacles and circumstances that are not ideal. At various times throughout my homeschooling years I met people who would comment that they didn’t know how I managed to do all the things I accomplished.  I remember thinking that others probably were doing a better job of homeschooling than I was, and my thoughts would return to my perceived deficits as an educator. Ironically, those intended compliments left me feeling even more like a failure because I knew how much more I had hoped to achieve with my children.

I eventually had the insight that others might be doing the exact same things I did each day, but instead of feeling inadequate they experienced contentment.  These people knew how to take a long view with their homeschooling and focused more on what was going right in their homeschool than the areas in need of improvement.  Surprisingly, some people seemed impressed by what I was accomplishing despite having children with AD/HD, sensory processing challenges, and auditory processing difficulties.  I homeschooled for years before it occurred to me that it was okay to acknowledge that teaching struggling learners was harder than average and to give myself credit for any and all progress made.  In our family, homeschool successes were hard-won and worthy of celebration.  So I learned to celebrate instead of commiserate.

I can’t honestly say that I never doubted myself again, or that I always noticed and appreciated the gains made during our homeschool time.  I invested my life in my children, so when they weren’t successful I felt that disappointment on a heart level.  I had to learn, alongside my children, that setbacks do not make one a failure.  It was easier to admonish my children not to focus on disappointments than it was for me to follow my own advice, but with determination and practice we all learned that failing at a task does not make the whole person a failure.  Neither does feeling like a failure make it true that you are one.

Homeschool Preppers

It is hard to go for long without hearing someone talk about the state of the world. There are those who predict doom because of the spiritual state of our world. Others anticipate a government takeover which will include the abolition of personal rights regarding free speech, gun ownership, owning personal property, and more. The disaster-fearing weigh in with predictions of natural disasters causing global disruption or electro-magnetic pulses (EMP) that would render all of our technical devices unusable and worthless, leaving us vulnerable in numerous ways since we have become dependent to some degree on technology. Still others believe that our economy will collapse and the currency we use will have little or no value once the collapse occurs. Prepping in some form bears consideration.
Whether the extreme predictions come true, or just a facsimile of them, there seems to be a consensus that some degree of change in the world is imminent. There are differing opinions on how much “prepping” a family should do, but even if you are just planning on making small changes, homeschooling provides wonderful opportunities to incorporate planning and undertake projects in order to be better prepared for the future.
Personally, my faith remains rock-solid that God is in control of all things and I can trust him to lead and use my family as He sees fit. We are told in Matthew 10:16 to be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. Given that many people much smarter and wiser than I am are exhorting people to prepare for some of the uncertainties of the future, I want to make the most of my time and resources. I don’t want to become obsessed or anxious about possible future difficulties. At the same time, I really don’t want to die stupidly. So my husband and I have been reading up on ways to survive various doomsday predictions, without becoming overwhelmed by all the possible scenarios. We just want to be responsible to take care of our family and we would like to be in a position to help care for others in need. One of the first things we considered was food supplies.
If the grocery stores ran out of food, we would be in trouble because we know very little about raising plants and gardening. I used to joke that I had a brown thumb since everything I planted died. Those of you who raise crops on farms or who are avid gardeners have an advantage and hold much-needed knowledge about growing food. My family was eager to learn and we had to start somewhere, so we planted a vegetable garden with a variety of vegetables. Most of them grew well but a few did not. We don’t know why some of what we planted thrived in the garden while others never produced anything.
How much space do you want to devote to growing your own food? This would be a great homeschool project, to figure out what kind of soil to use, when to plant different vegetables, how deep to plant the seeds, and how far apart to space the plants. Some plants need thinning, so it would be good to read up on which plants and when the thinning should take place. Your homeschool students could research which plants bear fruit throughout a season, and which ones will only produce a harvest at one time. What is the best time to plant? Should everything you intend to grow be planted at once, or on a staggered schedule?
There are so many things to consider once you delve into gardening. We have learned that some plants do better when placed next to specific other plants. We didn’t worry about watering until days went by with no rain and we realized we needed to figure out when and how much water our plants needed. I made the mistake of watering a plant in the middle of a sunny, scorching hot day and the poor plant just fried up. It was sad but educational, and some of the learning process includes figuring out what not to do.
Being the big city dwellers we are, our mental image of broccoli is a nice clean bunch held together by a strong rubber band and freshly misted in the produce department of the grocery store. With great anticipation, we planted broccoli and waited for the harvest. We waited and waited, but it never really looked like the broccoli in the store and one day we realized it was past the point of harvesting and had gone to seed. Clearly, we have much to learn.
As I was studying up on what plants would be best for the plot of land we could devote to a garden, I came across an article that suggested there are many edible foods growing wild. I took a look at the pictures in the article and realized that I had an abundance of one of the edible plants in my own yard. Think of the money I could save! I read some of the ways people eat the weed, which was something in the nettle family, and decided to try and use some in a green smoothie. I harvested, then used my smoothie maker and added vanilla yogurt and some fruit. In my enthusiasm, I went way overboard with the amount of weeds added, and the result was not impressive. My son said it tasted like grass clippings and my husband gamely stated that if we had to, we could drink it. Another lesson learned.
Even a relatively small project like ours involved learning opportunities with math, science, history, and exploration. Some of our garden was best used as compost, but we learned about the importance of compost and how to best procure it. We measured and observed plant growth, sunlight and water, and even which insects were pests and which could be helpful in a garden. We talked about planning for the future, and how we had the opportunity to hone our skills while still having local markets available if our garden didn’t succeed.
Gardening also allows students to be assigned age-appropriate chores. One student could be responsible for weeding, while another’s task is to water the garden, and so on. It is a good way to instill the message that “In our family, we work together”. Not only are these chores meaningful, they provide accountability because each family member is counting on the rest to contribute via their assigned tasks. Our children learn that their contributions matter and if chores are neglected there will be natural consequences.
No matter how developed your family’s skill set is, it is a good idea to try gardening even if you only plant a few vegetables in pots. Your students will learn new skills while enjoying the healthy foods they tended throughout the growing season. If your garden really takes off, you might even have enough to share with neighbors. There’s something about homegrown food that just tastes better than store bought. Harvesting from your own garden is a satisfying accomplishment that just may be the beginning of a love of gardening for you and your children.

Going Green Smoothie

It’s hard to go for long without hearing someone talk about the state of the world.  There are those who predict doom because of the spiritual state of our world.  Others anticipate a government takeover which will include the abolition of personal rights regarding free speech, gun ownership, owning personal property, and more.  The disaster-fearing weigh in with predictions of natural disasters causing global disruption or electro-magnetic pulses (EMP) that would render all of our technical devices unusable and worthless, leaving us vulnerable in numerous ways since we have become dependent to some degree of technology.  Still others believe that our economy will collapse and the currency we use will have little or no value once the collapse occurs. Prepping in some form bears consideration.

Whether the extreme predictions come true, or just a facsimile of them, there seems to be a consensus that some degree of change will take place imminently.  There are differing opinions on how much “prepping” a family should do, but even if you are just planning on making small changes, homeschooling provides wonderful opportunities to incorporate planning and undertake projects in order to be better prepared for the future.

Personally, my faith remains rock-solid that God is in control of all things and I can trust him to lead and use my family as He sees fit.  We are told in Matthew 10:16 to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.  Given that many people much smarter and wiser than I am are exhorting people to prepare for some of the uncertainties of the future, I want to make the most of my time and resources.  I don’t want to become obsessed or anxious about possible future difficulties.  At the same time, I really don’t want to die stupidly.  So my husband and I have been reading up on ways to survive various doomsday predictions, without becoming overwhelmed by all the possible scenarios.  We just want to be responsible to take care of our family and we would like to be in a position to help care for others in need. One of the first things we considered was food supplies.

If the grocery stores ran out of food, we would be in trouble because we know very little about raising plants and gardening. I used to joke that I had a brown thumb since everything I planted died.  Those of you who raise crops on farms or who are avid gardeners have an advantage and hold much-needed knowledge about growing food. My family was eager to learn and we had to start somewhere, so we planted a vegetable garden with a variety of vegetables. Most of them grew well but a few did not.  We don’t know why some of what we planted thrived in the garden while others never produced anything.

How much space do you want to devote to growing your own food?  This would be a great homeschool project, to figure out what kind of soil to use, when to plant different vegetables, how deep to plant the seeds, and how far apart to space the plants.  Some plants need thinning, so it would be good to read up on which plants and when the thinning should take place.  Your homeschool students could research which plants bear fruit throughout a season, and which ones will only produce a harvest at one time.  What is the best time to plant?  Should everything you intend to grow be planted at once, or on a staggered schedule?

There are so many things to consider once you delve into gardening.  We have learned that some plants do better when placed next to specific other plants.  We didn’t worry about watering until days went by with no rain and we realized we needed to figure out when and how much water our plants needed.  I made the mistake of watering a plant in the middle of a sunny, scorching hot day and the poor plant just fried up.  It was sad but educational, and some of the learning process includes figuring out what not to do.

Being the big city dwellers we are, our mental image of broccoli is a nice clean bunch held together by a strong rubber band and freshly misted in the produce department of the grocery store.  With great anticipation, we planted broccoli and waited for the harvest.  We waited and waited, but it never really looked like the broccoli in the store and one day we realized it was past the point of harvesting and had gone to seed.  Clearly, we have much to learn.

As I was studying up on what plants would be best for the plot of land we could devote to a garden, I came across an article that suggested there are many edible foods growing wild.  I took a look at the pictures in the article and realized that I had an abundance of one of the edible plants in my own yard.  Think of the money I could save!  I read some of the ways people eat the weed, which was something in the nettle family, and decided to try and use some in a green smoothie.  I harvested, then used my smoothie maker and added vanilla yogurt and some fruit.  In my enthusiasm, I went way overboard with the amount of weeds added, and the result was not impressive.  My son said it tasted like grass clippings and my husband gamely stated that if we had to, we could drink it.  Another lesson learned.

Even a relatively small project like ours involved learning opportunities with math, science, history, and exploration.  Some of our garden was best used as compost, but we learned about the importance of compost and how to best procure it.  We measured and observed plant growth, sunlight and water, and even which insects were pests and which could be helpful in a garden.  We talked about planning for the future, and how we had the opportunity to hone our skills while still having local markets available if our garden didn’t succeed.

No matter how developed your family’s skill set is, it is a good idea to try gardening even if you only plant a few vegetables in pots.  Your students will learn new skills while enjoying the healthy foods they tended throughout the growing season.  If your garden really takes off, you might even have enough to share with neighbors.  There’s something about homegrown food that just tastes better than store bought.  Harvesting from your own garden is a satisfying accomplishment that just may be the beginning of a love of gardening for you and your children.

Do You Need a Roll?

I love my child’s high energy, enthusiasm, and joyful spirit.  I don’t even mind that I will never have any family secrets, ever, because this innocent child will share our business with anyone within earshot and think nothing of it.  Her openness reflects her optimism and her tendency to believe the best about others.  This is another reason for clean living, because if you don’t have anything to hide then having a child spill the beans is no big deal.

My daughter’s activity level has often left me in open-mouthed amazement.  To burn off energy, she will run up and down the stairs multiple times.  She also likes to sprint around the block, and when we have inclement weather she will clear a pathway in the house so she can take off running and then slide across the floor in her socks.  Like many individuals diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) she needs to find outlets for her strong need for physical activity.  Also true of many with ADHD, my daughter has had sleep difficulties and struggles to calm her body and mind so she can fall asleep.

Most of the time I not only accept my daughter’s differences, I delight in them.  Over time I discovered that not all adults shared my appreciation for my wonderfully-spirited child.  At homeschool group classes, I began to hear complaints about my daughter’s non-stop chattering and apparent inability to stop talking even when the teacher was attempting to give instructions.  She was not deliberately rude or disrespectful, just uninhibited in sharing her thoughts.  Every single one of them.  This continual verbal stream was one of the ways her hyperactivity manifested, as if the words just built up inside her and had to come out or she would pop.

My daughter was also wigglier than most children her age, something I could easily accommodate during our homeschool day.  It became problematic when we were out in public and she couldn’t sit still at a restaurant or stand quietly beside me during homeschool field trips.  I remember a very patient AWANA instructor chuckling as he described how my daughter would slide back and forth on a bench while reciting her memorized verses.  She moved around while she was learning the verses, and she moved around while recalling them.  She was consistent, and fortunately had a leader who was able to enjoy having her in his group.

My daughter’s sensory processing difficulties along with her ADHD impulsivity made it a struggle for her to regulate herself to maintain the calm yet alert state that is optimal for learning.  At one homeschool group gathering, I could see that she was talking continually and was starting to elicit clearly unappreciative glances from nearby adults.  Not wanting to squelch her ebullience, I sought a way to help her quickly and unobtrusively so she would not be embarrassed.  Scanning the table laden with potluck offerings, my gaze fell on a basket of dinner rolls.  I quickly snatched one up and extended it to my daughter, asking if she needed a roll.  I figured if she was chewing a roll it would give her a few seconds to take a break and maybe relax and slow down a little bit.  I think it would have worked if my daughter had gone along with my plan, but instead she blurted out, “Hey!  Are you just trying to get me to be quiet?”  So much for subtlety.

At home my daughter could wiggle away as long as she was getting her schoolwork done.  It’s distracting, though, when a child is in constant motion in a group setting.  Have you ever noticed how distractible children always seem to find each other in a crowd, and then escalate the other’s behaviors?  This happened often while we participated in homeschool group activities.  One strategy I used to help my girl was our “meatball hug”.  She would sit on my lap and pull her knees to her chin, and I would wrap my arms around her and gently squish her while rocking back and forth.  She loved this, and it didn’t draw negative attention to her.  Once she outgrew my lap, the meatball hug had to be more of a roll.  Her father or I would give her arms and legs little squeezes as if we were kneading dough, or capture her between us to roll back and forth like a squeeze machine.

The need to calm down was not always apparent to my daughter, but she recognized our family code, “Do you need a roll?” as a signal to try and tone things down.  Your family might find a different code and use other strategies to support your child.  I personally will never hear the question “Do you need a roll?” without thinking of my wonderfully vibrant daughter who did, in fact, need some rolls now and then.

 

Motivation, Reluctance, and the Circus

Motivation is such a wonderful thing. It gives us energy to pursue our goals. Motivation can urge us onward toward of a myriad of accomplishments. It makes us excited to achieve and keeps us on track and purposeful in our actions. When one is motivated, there is less need for external prompting because there is an inward drive and desire that needs no supplementation. If only we could bottle it up and pull out motivation to dole out as needed!

Homeschooling a motivated student is exciting and rewarding, providing a sense of the joy of teaching and affirming our efforts to help our children learn. If homeschooling is supposed to be a wonderful experience, why are so many of us lamenting the fact that our students not only do not eagerly pursue learning opportunities but appear downright unmotivated and reluctant to learn?

If a motivated student reassures us that we are successful teachers, then the converse is also true. A reluctant, unmotivated student can cause us to question our ability to teach our children well. This doubt can lead our thoughts down other paths, where we wonder if we are up to the calling of homeschooling and if we will somehow be holding our children back if we continue. Before you go too far in questioning your ability to homeschool, please allow me to share some of my experiences as a homeschooling mother of a very reluctant, unmotivated student.

I am not a high-energy, easily-excited mom. Nevertheless I worked hard to be enthusiastic when I presented lessons and I tried to make the work engaging and interesting for my children. Imagine my dismay when day after day I called my children to the table to begin our school work and without fail the first words out of my son’s mouth were, “How long is this going to take?”

He asked me that question no matter what the subject matter was, and in fact without even knowing which subject I was about to introduce. In response, I would plaster a smile on my face and try to exude exhilaration for the lesson. I tried to be funny. I worked at being more animated in my presentations. I used up a lot of energy, as if I were auditioning for the role of inspiring homeschool mom. Inwardly, I berated myself for my inability to stimulate a love of learning in my children.

I have always loved learning new things, and I had carefully selected my curriculum. Night after night I strained my brain to come up with something I could do or change that would eliminate the reluctance my son felt toward schoolwork. I was beginning to despair. I had a heart to homeschool my children, but I questioned whether I had the energy and ability to do the job for the long haul.

Then, one day, the circus came to town. Yes, I thought about running off to join it, but once again I didn’t seem to have the right skill set! I was already abysmal as a performer, judging by my child’s desire to get schoolwork over with as quickly and painlessly as possible despite my antics. So I took the children to see the circus, hoping that at last my son would be adequately engaged and intrigued by the novelty of the acts.

My son watched the tigers with great interest. He was so intent while watching the trapeze artists that I’m not sure he even blinked during their entire act. Just as clowns appeared in one circus ring and horses began trotting around a second ring, my son turned to me and said something that changed me forever.

“Mom,” he asked, “When can we go home? I’m bored.”

Of course he had told me on many prior occasions that he was bored. All this time I thought it was my fault for being inadequate as his teacher. Hearing him say he was bored at the circus astonished me and gave me a valuable insight that helped me realize more than ever that homeschooling was the best option for my family. When my child informed me that he was bored at a three-ring circus, at first I was just plain shocked. Once the shock wore off, a sense of great relief came over me because I realized that even if I chose to wear feathers and swing from a trapeze while teaching, this child would become bored within about 15 minutes!

The difficulty my son had with school was not because of any lack on my part as a homeschooler. Rather, it was the way he was wired that led him to be easily bored and inattentive. Once I realized that the attention and motivation challenges were essentially stemming from inside my son and were not due to my ineptness as his teacher, I was freed up to concentrate on ways to help him learn to motivate himself and deal with his frequent feelings of boredom. I began to focus less on critiquing myself and instead became more observant of my son.

I noticed that there were certain times of the day when my son was more alert, and that it did not always coincide with my own states of alertness. I observed that when he was physically active for a short burst of time he was then able to attend to his lessons for longer periods. My son showed me that when he was emotionally upset or over-excited about something that we tended to have less productive days and my attempts to push him usually backfired. As my self-doubt regarding my ability to teach my child receded, I was able to direct that mental energy into finding out what my son truly needed.

In addition to my great revelation at the circus, over time I became more and more convinced that homeschooling was ideal for a learner like my son. I could accommodate his needs and give him the attention he needed to stay on track and learn. Each year of homeschooling I was better equipped because of the previous year’s experiences. My son came to understand that even when I didn’t understand some of his challenges I would steadfastly believe he was capable of learning, and I would never give up.

There will always be people with more impressive credentials, but we do not need to compete with them. As homeschooling parents, we are more invested in our children than anyone else. We have the motivation to help our kids, year after year, to teach them and show them love. Homeschooling can be challenging, but it can instruct the teacher as well as the students as situations arise. In my case, I always tell people that with all the learning and motivation challenges I faced, my children made me be a better teacher than I wanted to have to be. In the end, though, I am a better teacher and mom because of the things I learned while homeschooling my children.

Joshua Fought the Battle of…the Flannelboard!

Do you have a child who can always pay attention, sit still, and comply with directions and requests? If so, you may not be able to identify strongly with this post. On the other hand, you may have other children someday or know of some who are similar to my son, Joshua. My son has always been an “outside the box” kind of thinker. He is so far outside the box that he doesn’t know the box exists. He thinks in terms of what is possible, rather than being limited to pre-existing established patterns. To say that Josh is a non-conformist would be a gross understatement. This kid doesn’t just march to the beat of his own drum; he marches to the beat of his own oboe or something. His creative thinking made his behavior unpredictable at times, which in turn made parenting him very challenging. Can you relate?

I am a pretty linear thinker, and although I’d like to think that my box is large I am definitely an “inside the box” kind of thinker. This was one of the challenges I faced in parenting Josh, because my own responses to situations were logical and predictable to anyone who knew me. Even though I tried I just could not anticipate how Josh would respond in many situations. Novel experiences were the most unpredictable, and I’m sure that even Josh did not know what he was going to say or do in advance much of the time.

For example, our local library had weekly story times for preschoolers, and Josh looked forward to attending each program. Josh tended to observe rather than take part with most of the activities, though. He sat on my lap and watched the other children sing songs and do the motions to finger plays. When the librarian read books, Josh would push forward to get a better view of the pictures, but he usually sat on his knees so he wasn’t blocking others’ views. For Josh, the true highlight of each week was the flannel board story.

The librarian would tell a familiar story, using the flannel board and various flannel pieces. Even though this was his favorite part of the 30 minute program, Josh could barely contain himself and wiggled and hopped around while the story was being told. With frequent reminders and prompts to sit down so that others could see, Josh waited for what he really liked best about the flannel board.

Each story seemed to spark ideas for a hundred others in Josh’s imagination, and our librarian was kind enough to give Josh free reign with the flannel board following the official story time. With or without participation by others, Josh would tell his original stories or take the existing story and give it multiple alternative plots and conclusions. Inevitably, Josh’s stories would include a battle of some sort. He could take the most peaceful setting and turn it into an epic battlefield.

Since Josh like flannel board stories so much, I bought him a huge set of Bible flannel board pieces. I thought it would be a great way for Josh to learn some Bible stories. He loved it! As my oldest child, I thought he might like to teach some of these stories to his younger sisters and it would be good practice for his oral language skills, too. Josh dutifully repeated the story I taught him, and then devoted his energy to expressing his creativity and imagination.

Another flannel board battle ensued each time the carefully organized Bible set was brought out for a new story. I am a Mom who likes things to be in their proper place, and the flannel board set had outlines of the pieces on each storage board which greatly appealed to my desire to have things organized. Josh, however, liked to select pieces for his stories willy-nilly and (gasp) even took pieces from different boards and stories that were not grouped to together. He even mixed up the Old and New Testament pieces. It was horrible! Okay, it is probably not that big a deal to most people, but it was a battle for me to give up my neatly arranged flannel board pieces so that Josh could express his God-given creativity.

Josh is now a young adult, but he still remembers the flannel board stories with great fondness. He remembers making up many adventurous tales and having a lot of flannel pieces to work with from our large Bible flannel set. His favorite, he recalls, was the time he put the kneeling Jesus figure behind a large clay jar on a table turned on its side to provide cover. From that position, Jesus proceeded to shoot stars at his disciples across the room. And so it went in the imagination of a young boy, who believed that Jesus could do anything including spraying stars wherever He wanted them to go.

Whereas some people lament their lack of creativity, Josh and other outside the box type of thinkers find they have to stifle their creative urges many times throughout the day. It was always a challenge for me to find good boundaries that allowed Josh to follow his many ideas that led him in a myriad of directions while redirecting him to get his school work completed. Getting the academic work done did take us longer on some days when Josh pursued some of his imaginative ideas, but I wouldn’t squelch the creativity of my son for anything.

The Real Social Security

It’s hard to avoid, especially when you are a child. You read about it, hear others talk about theirs, and are prompted to write, talk and answer questions about it. What is the subject of this insidious obsession? A best friend. Doesn’t everyone have one? Don’t get me wrong, I think best friends are wonderful. What I have difficulty with is the emphasis expressed to children about the need for one. The question, “Who is your best friend?” assumes that the child has one very special friend. Writing about what you like to do with your best friend is easy – if you actually have one. If you don’t, then the perception can be that something is lacking and you should try to obtain a best friend as soon as possible.

There are many wonderful children’s books describing the shared adventures of best friends. As a child I had the impression that everyone was supposed to have a best friend and if you didn’t, something was wrong with you. I felt the pressure to latch on to somebody so that I could have a ready answer when asked who my best friend was. Having a “best friend” was my goal, and I wasn’t particularly discerning in my selections.

In kindergarten, my best friend was Mike because he and I shared the same birthday and he gave me some pennies one time. In first grade, my best friend was Darryl, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy who held my hand under the table during music class and showed me how his eyes crossed when he took his glasses off. I thought that was so cool! After first grade Darryl’s family moved away so I had to find a new best friend and some other lucky person got to see Darryl’s crossed eyes.

There was an unspoken pressure to find a best friend replacement whenever the previous relationship cooled for any reason. By late elementary school, everyone understood that if you had a best friend you would have a seat saved for you even if you and your best buddy weren’t next to each other in line. There would be a spot reserved for you as your best friend placed a hand on the chair beside her and informed any would-be interlopers that the seat was saved. Before the teacher finished saying “Find a partner” for an activity, you and your best friend already knew you would pair up together. No one else even bothered asking you to be a partner since everyone understood that you would be with your best friend. You and your number one pal never had to wonder who you would eat lunch with or talk to at recess. Having a best friend was a relational social security that offered the assurance you would always have someone around.

For a child who struggles socially, making any friends let alone a best friend can be difficult. It’s complicated, because most of us have no idea how to teach our kids social skills that come naturally for most people. When you see your child try unsuccessfully to join a group or make a new friend, it is heartbreaking. How much should you try and intervene? You can’t make friends for your child, but sometimes your child doesn’t seem to be able to make a new friend by herself. Unless you’ve held a lonely child in your arms, knowing how badly he wants to have a friend but isn’t experiencing successful relationships it is hard to understand just how devastating it can be for that child and his parent. I’m afraid that some of that need for social security through having a best friend can follow us into adulthood. For example, my daughter got to know a girl in our homeschool support group and the two of them really hit it off. They had a lot in common and enjoyed being with each other. The new friend’s mother had been college roommates with another homeschool mom in the group, and those two mothers had already decided that their daughters would be best friends. My daughter watched as the other two girls were shuttled to each other’s houses for play dates and signed up for classes together at the local parks and recreation programs without a backward glance. These moms were not being deliberately unkind or exclusive. They were trying to give their daughters the kind of social security they had valued when they were growing up. There were quite a few moms in my homeschool support group who would not sign their children up for sports or other group activities unless their child’s best friend would be in the same group. The child with a best friend does not have to make an effort to include another child, because socially they are set. The child without a buddy in the group is more motivated to find another child who is at loose ends socially.

I tried to teach my children to look around and notice who might need a friend, and make an effort to include them. I was no doubt more sensitive to this than most, because I was a mother of one of the socially isolated children. Can you imagine the depth of sadness a parent feels when they are the only friend their child has? Truly, a good friend is an incredible blessing.

I get to know quite a few moms during my speaking engagements and my speech therapy practice. I’ve met some incredible women who agonize over their children’s lack of good relationships. Some children act in atypical ways because of their challenges such as autism or attention deficit disorder. Their moms work hard to teach them social skills, but their children continue to struggle and after awhile they are no longer invited to group social events because they are “different” and their behaviors make others uncomfortable. Now, in addition to isolated children there are increasingly isolated mothers.

As much as I’d like to believe it is the rare exception when an adult loses friendships because of her child, I know from personal experience that it happens frequently. Moms of special needs children need extra support, but often end up with less support because of their child’s differences that set him apart in a negative way. It’s a cycle that deserves to be interrupted.

This whole “best friend” situation can perpetuate the exclusion of those without one particular best friend. Maybe we could teach our children that even if they have a best friend they can still be friends with others and include them. Adults, even if your social needs are adequately met, I can guarantee you that there is someone in your life who longs to experience even a little of the camaraderie you share with your best friends. You and your child may not feel the need to add another friend to your life, but please look around anyway because someone undoubtedly needs your friendship. Can you share your social security with someone in need? If so, you just might change their lives – and teach your child how to love like Christ does along the way.

“I Need Eleven!”

Have you ever been baffled or surprised by something your child says? You may be certain that you heard the words correctly, but they don’t make sense. Having children with learning struggles, I often found that I needed to clarify both what I said to my children and what they were communicating to me. With a combination of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and auditory processing difficulties, communication was often a challenge. First, I had to obtain and keep my child’s attention long enough to convey a message. Then I had to determine if the message had been accurately received. If distractibility and impulsivity didn’t interfere, we could have a good conversation.

Children with learning disabilities often have unusual ways of expressing themselves. My son Josh had some word finding difficulties, so he would refer to the ankle as “that wrist part of your leg”. Likewise, the elbow might be “the knee of your arm.” Once when Josh wasn’t feeling well I asked him to describe his symptoms. He often used vague and nebulous words to tell me what he felt. I felt like a detective who needed to ask just the right questions to get my suspect to tell me what I needed to know.

One time, though, Josh told me his throat was sore and described what he was feeling in this way, “I feel as if my uvula has been acided off”. (I like the “uvula” part – true son of a speech therapist!) This description, although no doubt atypical for most children, painted a clear picture of the location and degree of Josh’s discomfort and indeed it turned out that Josh had strep throat. “Acided” may not be a real word, but it sure got the point across. Josh usually sailed through illnesses with little response to pain, so when he complained I knew it was serious.

When children are infants, we fret because they are not able to tell us what is wrong or where they hurt. We think how nice it will be when they are able to talk and tell us more exactly what they feel. If a child is a late talker, nonverbal, or has difficulty with expressive language we have to continue interpreting possible meanings to whatever communication attempts our child is able to produce.

My daughter Beckie was a big talker, and it was easy to tell that when she wanted “lunch fries” she meant “french fries” and that her “Valentime” was a “Valentine”. Since she had auditory processing issues, she said things the way she heard them and I continued in my role as communication detective to determine what Beckie was trying to convey. This was somewhat complicated by the fact that Beckie chattered a lot and was not always looking for a response but rather was processing her experiences by speaking out loud.

When she was a preschooler I noticed a frequently occurring phrase, “I need eleven!” Eleven what? I tried to figure out if she was trying to practice her counting skills, trying to collect something, or was just repeating something she had heard. But where had she heard it? Beckie was always a cuddle bunny, and was frequently snuggled up in my lap while we read books or talked. I tried to become aware of the context when she “needed eleven”, but couldn’t narrow it down. She said it contentedly when she was climbing onto my lap or getting a hug. She said it when she was physically hurt and when her feelings were hurt. When I asked her if she wanted to count to eleven together, she happily replied in the negative and wrapped her arms around me for a tight squeeze.

One day Beckie had been visiting one of her best friends for a play date, and I went to pick her up. She and her friend were sad to have to part ways, and the other child’s mother offered comfort by asking her son if he needed a lovin. I realized that “Do you need a lovin?” was a common phrase in that household, and in Beckie’s young mind had been translated into “Do you need eleven?” It had nothing to do with numbers, but had a strong connotation to comfort and the expression of affection. Since I had responded in ways she needed despite my lack of understanding about what she was saying, Beckie was inadvertently effective in her communication with me.

This is just one more reminder that love can make up for so many things. We all make mistakes with our children. We realize after the fact that we erred in our approach to teaching some students. We feel the pressures to convey the right amount of information at the right times while helping our struggling students develop skills to help them be successful. Our curriculum isn’t always a match for what we need. Our children may not be progressing at the rate we desire. We lose it. We yell, we apologize, and then catch ourselves being impatient again. We feel inadequate to meet all the needs we face on a daily basis. The stakes are so high.

You’ve heard it before but it bears repeating. What our children will remember the most is the relationship we have with them, not the specific things we deliberately taught or the strategies we used to help them learn. I blew it with my kids sometimes, and I knew it. I truly believe that my relationship with them is more important than any school subject and thus needed remediation before we could proceed with our official homeschooling. I find it very humbling, yet restorative, to apologize to my children when I have wronged them. They have always been very forgiving and amazingly resilient, a picture of God’s grace to me.

Showing grace and respect runs both ways in a relationship. It builds character and will outlast the school years as a child grows into an adult. Have you been focusing so much on getting the school work done that you’ve lost sight of the importance of relationship? Don’t let standards and benchmarks keep you from seeing the individual child who is right in front of you. Teaching a child is a great aspiration, and teaching in the context of a relationship is powerful. Children may not remember everything you’ve taught them, but they will remember you. Do you have the kind of relationship you want to become part of their lifelong memories? Let’s give our children lots of “elevens” and protect our relationships as they grow.

Homeschool Flashback #5 Executive Functions


Ahhh, executive functions. We love them, and when they are lacking we long for them. Children with AD/HD struggle to develop vital executive functions such as organization and planning. Students with learning disabilities and struggling learners (officially identified or not) often have some degree of executive dysfunction.

Any experienced teacher can look at a student’s notebook and tell if that student is able to organize and access the information and materials they will need. Intelligence plays a part in academic success, sure, but the organized student typically comes out on top. Executive functions help students to show what they know. If they have completed an assignment but can’t locate it the teacher has no way to assess their performance. A very bright student who forgets about an assignment or fails to complete the work even though he has the capacity to do so will be out-performed by an average student with the executive functioning skills to complete tasks accurately and on time.

Children with learning challenges work harder and longer to get results and deficits in executive functioning impact all areas of life, not just the academic realm. Consider, for example, the child who forgets he made plans with one friend and is off with another when the first friend comes calling. Or the child who struggles with time management and is chronically disorganized causing her to be late for practice again because she can’t find her mouthguard.

Some children just naturally seem to develop executive functions as they mature. Others need much more direct instruction than our modeling alone provides. In the picture above, you can see the rudiments of Josh’s attempt to develop some executive function skills. He has written out the date and the tasks he needs to accomplish each day. He put a check mark next to completed work. Josh’s system is far from sophisticated, but it reflects his burgeoning attempts to incorporate some organization into his day.

Is Josh’s method acceptable? It wouldn’t be what I would choose, but Josh is a unique individual. I had shown Josh various organizers and examples that I would use but he had to find something that worked for him. The picture shows what he came up with, and although there are many things I would do differently the idea was for Josh to find a system that worked for him.

It’s too bad executive function skills can’t just be absorbed by spending time with people who excel with them. The good news is that executive skills can be taught. It may take awhile, but they are so important that it’s worth the investment of time to help your children develop in these areas. Experts say that executive function skills continue to develop into the twenties, but don’t wait to start working on them until your child is already floundering. Help your young child to develop strategies to keep track of his possessions. Assist your older children in using calendars and organizational aids. Help your child write a list of what needs to get done for the day. When executive skills don’t come naturally, even the most primitive progress is just that – progress. 

A Mom Like You

In the last six weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to speak at three different state homeschool conventions. At each conference I attend, I share information about learning disabilities, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorders, and Auditory Processing Disorders. More important than the facts I pass along are the real-life stories from my own family experiences. I share what didn’t work as well as what worked at least some of the time. I share some of the failures and frustrations as well as our hard-won achievements.

When my first two children graduated from our homeschool in 2006, we declared our school colors to be black and blue. We were the homeschool of hard knocks! Not only did my children struggle with learning, but I struggled to try to find better ways to teach them. One of the biggest benefits for those attending workshops for children with various special needs is to look around and realize they are not alone. There are others striving to teach children with challenges, and others who understand the difficulties families face when their child has to work harder than most for every small gain they accomplish.

What has always amazed me is how God has prompted me to share some of the hardest, most unimpressive movements of my life and that is what people are blessed by in my workshops. Sure, I offer lots of tips and practical strategies, but what people connect with is hearing a speaker who admits to not having it all together but never gave up trying. My son is a young adult now, and he comes to conferences with me. People look at the two of us as survivors, who dealt with a lot of learning challenges and came out intact. Now Josh can share his perspective, and give parents insight into why their children may act the way they do.

I’ve never had all the answers to the challenges my children faced. What I did have was a commitment to help them grow into the unique individuals God intended them to become, equipping them as best I could. Sometimes I was out of ideas for how to teach a given topic, and my kids still weren’t “getting it”. All I had to offer was reassurance that I would keep trying to find ways to help, and would not give up on them. I would be the knot at the end of the rope that they could hang onto. The message was: Mom doesn’t have all the answers but Mom will always be there with you, coming alongside until we figure something out.

Don’t underestimate the power of just being there for your children. You don’t need to know all the answers, but your kids need to know you haven’t given up on them. It’s in the safety of knowing your love is unwavering that your children find the courage to try again, fail or succeed, and try some more. Our children are far more than what they can or cannot do, and they each have something to offer. This overall supportive attitude has a far greater impact than the best teaching strategies in the world.

Years ago I had a man in his 30’s come up to talk to me after I presented my workshop, “Helping the Distractible Child”. I don’t remember which conference it was, but I will forever remember what he said to me. He explained that as a child he always had difficulty paying attention, and was constantly getting in trouble as a result. He thought he was smart enough, but couldn’t sit still and had trouble completing assignments. He tried hard to comply with the demands put on him, but always felt like he was a disappointment to his parents no matter how hard he worked. “I wish I’d had a mom like you,” he said. “One who could see the strengths and work with me.”

One day all of our children will be adults. I challenge you to be that Mom, the one who never gives up on her kids no matter what. Be that Dad, who is consistently there for his children regardless of their struggles. Be that husband or wife who sticks around during the hard times. Be that person, so that one day your adult children will be able to say, “I’m so glad I had a Mom (and Dad) like you.”