I thought about using the title “North Carolina or Bust” for this post, but with a sick child, a car in for repairs, having to replace the washer and dryer two weeks ago, and the dishwasher barely sloshing along, I decided that “bust” does not have a good connotation for my family lately. Not to mention the used dryer we bought doesn’t dry the clothes any faster than if we held up the articles of clothing and blew on them for several hours. And I have asthma. Ahem. Enough whining about busted things. We are heading down to North Carolina to the HINTS (Home Instructors Need Team Support) book fair. I will be speaking on “Adapting Curriculum for Struggling Learners”, “Helping the Distractible Child”, and “Sensory Integration”. I know at least one of my friends will be there, but since I’m from Ohio I’m hoping to make some new friends while I’m in North Carolina. If you are going to HINTS be sure and stop by the Heads Up booth and say “hi”. The Heads Up crew is a fun bunch and would love to meet you! Plus, if you don’t stop by they will be bored, and being bored is one of the things they fear the most.
Hope to see you soon!

HEART OF THE MATTER CONFERENCE

We will be sponsoring a ticket giveaway for this online conference.  From the list of our subscribers we will choose five to receive a free admission ticket to the conference. This is an exciting, new way to get the benefits of a traditional conference through the internet in the comfort of your own home.  There will be live online presentations of workshops; Melinda will be presenting one of her most popular workshops as well.  We are very excited about this new medium as an efficient way to get vital information and help out to the homeschooling and special needs communities.  So if you haven’t subscribed yet, please do so now, and get in on the action!  Let your homeschooling & special needs friends know as well!

For more information about all that will be going on at the conference, please visit http://conference.heartofthematteronline.com/.

My friend Penny brought this to my attention. I don’t know if I can get HBO, but I hope to find a way to watch this when it airs. Here is the trailer:

I’m right proud of my son.

We just finished up a rough two week stretch.  First we traveled about 750 miles round-trip to Pennsylvania for their homeschool convention in Harrisburg.  In the past, we have had at least one of my daughters along to help staff the booth in the exhibit hall, but this year they are both finishing up the quarter in college.  So we had Josh with us, but no one else.  He really rose to the challenge.

When we got there, I told him to size up the booth space and figure out how he wanted to set it up.  He studied for awhile, then came up with a new layout, which worked out quite well.  He was very attentive to customers, was aware of when a product display was getting low and restocked it, and ran the cash register.  He never complained, and was always pleasant and eager to talk & answer questions.

We were home for a few days, before driving up to Lansing for the Michigan homeschool conference.  This was even more of a challenge, because I miscalculated the drive time, when we had to arrive and how much time was required to set up before the opening of the exhibit hall.  In short, we had to leave much earlier, and then had much less time to setup.  Josh was a trooper, and worked hard to get everything in place.  Later, Melinda was presenting three workshops.  Since I am her road crew, we were both gone for long periods of time assembling the laptop & projector, then clearing out of the hall for the next presentation.  Through it all, Josh manned the booth and ran the whole show.  We traveled another 500 miles on this trip.  He never complained once.  When we got home, I did the accounting, prepared the bank deposit and called in the charge slips.  Josh didn’t make a single error.

But the real thing I loved about the last two weeks, was how many times I saw parents of kids who struggle listen to Josh and gain hope.  Josh had a rough time while he was growing up, but he is a fine young man now.  He is compassionate, caring and polite.  He has been able to overcome and compensate for most of the challenges he has faced.  And we have found an outlet for his talents.  He has finally completed one of his novels, is close to completing a second and has several more in various stages.  He has ideas for thirty more stories or books.

It is an inside joke between Melinda and I that because Josh is the subject of so many of her stories, he has become as popular as a rock star to her audiences.  After seeing Josh interact with them, I think that maybe we are underestimating him.

Sometimes companies use the marketing strategy of offering the possibility, in addition to enjoying their fine products, of actually winning additional prizes. The prize offerings are often in the form of financial winnings, but may include the lure of exotic vacations or new cars. I don’t buy products just because they offer the potential for prizes, but if it’s something I would buy anyway I certainly take the time to read the bottle top, box flap, or inside the bag to see if I’ve won anything. (So far, nothing, but I’m only middle-aged so I guess it could still happen!) Usually, my message reads something like, “Please try again” or “There are many chances to win” (insert here, but you probably won’t) so…please try again. It doesn’t surprise me when I don’t win, since the odds are against it and it’s not like I’m trying day after day to strive for a prize. One day, though, I was feeling a little discouraged and opened a wrapper without realizing it was one of those “might win a prize” wrappers. When I read, “SORRY YOU DIDN’T WIN!” it was like an unexpected dig. “Wait a minute!” I cried out in my mind. “I wasn’t even trying to win that time!” In my discouragement the message translated into “SORRY YOU ARE A LOSER! AGAIN! AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL BE!” Gee, and I just wanted a little treat.

I started thinking about the messages we communicate, and how our struggling learners might be translating them. I might say, “That was a good try” and my child might mentally translate that into, “I did it wrong again”. I can see how easily my own perfectionist tendencies might be perceived by my children as “Nothing is ever quite good enough.” I can say, “Let’s keep working on this” and “Work hard and do your best”, but depending on the child’s temperament and interpretation of my tone of voice it might be perceived as criticism rather than encouragement. For most of us, we can shrug off those “You are a loser” messages and get on with life. For those with learning disabilities who struggle, day after day, with tasks that are unavoidable and reoccurring, it is harder to ignore and resist that message. Day after day, they struggle to complete work. A math fact or phonics rule they “knew” yesterday eludes them today. They do not know why, they cannot explain it, yet they experience the frustration of having material seemingly evaporate before they can nail it down. So they start the learning process over, or repeat work that in their minds they believe they should already know. They notice that other people seem to have it much easier, and even when no one else says it they draw the conclusion “I am not a winner”. Every day, it’s like they are opening the wrapper or bottle to see if today they will be a winner. Over time, resignation sets in along with the belief that winning is for someone else.

There are no easy answers here. I have no quick fix to offer, or sure-fire rapid remedy to make your child feel like a winner. Every child is different, as are teachers, parents and families. What I can offer is more of a life strategy, a paradigm shift that views struggles as a part of life. I shared my own struggles with my children (at age-appropriate levels) and taught them that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Some are more visible than others, but the fact is that we all need others who are strong where we are weak. Likewise, we all have something to offer. I believe that beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I shared that belief over and over with my children. I made it a point to focus on the whole child, not just the academic areas and disabilities and differences. Despite the diagnosis, I would not allow my children to use it as an excuse for not developing good character traits or not doing as much as they were able to. Are some things harder for you than others? Do you sometimes feel like you are a loser? Sure. Does that feeling make it true? Absolutely not. Speak the truth to your children, boldly and repeatedly. Say it out loud so they can hear your own mental battle resolve. It might sound something like this: “I sure have a hard time doing this, and other people make it look easy. Sometimes I feel like a loser. But you know what? I’m not! Even though I might feel like a loser, I know I have a lot to offer. Nobody is good at everything and I’m not, either. But that doesn’t make me a loser.” By talking it through, your children are learning from you. They will see how you acknowledge an emotion and tackle a thought that is not healthy or true. Over time, they will learn how to battle the “I am a loser” notion with the truth that they are individuals with great worth and value in many ways. Next time you get the message “SORRY YOU DIDN’T WIN!” think about translating that into a message that reflects gratitude and appreciation for all you have to offer. Be resilient and teach your children to be resilient. Don’t fall for the “You are a loser” message. The next time you are faced with a challenge, “Please Try Again”, because there truly are many chances to win.

We have some new events that we have added to our schedule at the last minute.

May 14-15, 2010 – INCH Conference, Lansing, MI (Speaking and vendors)

July 16-17, 2010 – HINTS Book Fair, Matthews, NC (Speaking and vendors)

August 28, 2010 – JoyQuest, Indianapolis, IN.  Diane Craft seminar  (Vendors only)

If you are near any of these events, please stop by and say “Hi”

My son, Josh, is an introvert. In many ways, this is a blessing. It means that he’s not necessarily lonely just because he is alone. He is comfortable being with himself, and by himself. He also likes people, and enjoys spending time with them. It’s just that socializing is not a pressing need for Josh, and it drains his energy after awhile. From a very early age, Josh struggled with social nuances. He didn’t feel the need to make eye contact, and his facial expressions often gave no clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. He had to work to learn to read body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. It did not come naturally for him, and the effort he exerted often yielded small returns. Here is just a glimpse of what he experienced as he grew up.

Imagine trying to say the right thing, and using the correct words, but still being rejected because somehow you said it wrong and offended someone.   Imagine going up to a group of children and asking if you can play with them, only to have them ignore you and run away to play with each other.   Then watch as within moments another child approaches the group and is instantly included in their play.  You don’t know what you did wrong.  You tried to do as you had been taught.  You realize that somehow others know things about interacting and making friends that you don’t know, and these secret rules are frustratingly out of reach.   How should you proceed?   An adult shows interest in you and says you are friends, so you invite her over to play and she gives you an odd look and goes to talk to your Mom.   Other adults seem to do that a lot, and Mom just looks sad and kind of baffled.   Doing what came naturally to you didn’t work.   Using the social skills you rehearsed and practiced with your Mom didn’t work.   Your Mom seems to be the only real friend you have, and while you’re appreciative it’s still hard not having friends your own age.   Real friends, not like the forced ones in the group your parents have to pay for you to attend, with other kids who don’t really get the unwritten rules of social skills any better than you do.  You want friends, so you try and try again.   You’d like to think of yourself as optimistic and resilient, but others view you as a pest who can’t take a hint.   What hint?   They never actually came out and said anything, so how are you supposed to know what you are doing that bothers them?   Or maybe it’s something you are not doing, that they think you should be doing.   It’s all so confusing.   People say you are too blunt, but you say things as you see them and are truthful.   Others talk around the point, but never just come out with it.   Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it hurts more when things build up and you don’t even realize it until it’s too late and you’ve lost another potential friend and truly don’t understand what went wrong.   Sure, you have proximity friends.   Those people who say hi to you and ask how you are.   By now you’ve learned they don’t really want to know how you are so you just tell them “fine”.  That’s how people do it, right?

You join a small group of other guys at your church, thinking the smaller group might help you actually develop relationships.  You care about these guys.   But although they spend time with each other throughout the week, you are rarely invited to join them.  You plan something at your house and invite them, but they all have excuses why they can’t make it.  You’ve been told you are intelligent, kind, caring, and creative.   But somehow a “weird” or “quirky” vibe seems to trump all that.  Gradually you come to accept that the true friendships you develop will be rare, and you will treasure them at a deeper level than those for whom relationships come easily.  You will enjoy your proximity friends during those brief interludes when your paths cross.  You will continue to make attempts at speaking the social language of those around you.   It will always be something of a mystery to you, why some reject you and others will be friends.   You learn to appreciate the friends without having to understand the reasons why.

You have a lot to offer.

Some people allow you to show just how much.

When a child struggles with school work, one of the first recommendations I make is to have an evaluation completed by a developmental optometrist. A child can have 20/20 vision, which means that her visual acuity is within a normal range. Yet some children with good visual acuity may not have good vision skills for other visual processing tasks. “Eyesight” is not the same as “vision”. In my son Josh’s case, his eyesight was excellent. But when I had him evaluated by a developmental optometrist at age 6, I found out that he had difficulty with some visual processing tasks. First, the optometrist confirmed for me that Josh was colorblind. I had suspected that, since my brother is also colorblind and I had noticed some indications that Josh might be as well, but the simple test done in the eye doctor’s office made it official. Second, and to me this was even more important because I hadn’t noticed any indication of difficulty, the doctor was able to assess many aspects of Josh’s visual processing abilities and revealed that Josh’s eyes were not working optimally to complete vision tasks. Josh was unable to sustain focus at a set distance without quickly fatiguing during the task. I watched the examination with fascination, as the doctor held the stimulus in front of Josh’s eyes with the instruction “Tell me when this starts to get fuzzy.” After three trials, with Josh’s response coming sooner each time, it was clear he was having a hard time with this particular task. I had no idea that Josh was having trouble seeing clearly when items were fairly close to him. This information was hugely important for me to be aware of, since at age 6 Josh was beginning to do more up-close academic work during homeschooling with writing and various workbooks. I had also been spending time each day working with Josh on his reading skills while unbeknownst to me, the words were going out of focus while Josh was just learning to decipher print. Josh, of course, didn’t know that what he was experiencing was any different than what others experience so he had no reason to try and tell me what he was going through with the various visual activities we engaged in each day. Josh’s visual processing difficulty was significant, though fairly mild when compared to some of the visual processing challenges children can experience. Josh was prescribed glasses to wear only for school tasks requiring close-up work. Within a year, Josh’s struggles with vision tasks had resolved and he no longer needed glasses. Other students who struggle with visual processing skills may need to practice exercises designed to help them develop their vision so that both eyes are working together efficiently. If a child has undiagnosed vision problems, he may present as inattentive, hyperactive, fidgety, unmotivated, and more. Think about it. If you are trying to read and the letters appear to be wiggling around on the page or go out of focus while you are trying to decode them, you might become a reluctant learner. Some of our children don’t stay in their seats and seem to have a short attention span, which makes perfect sense if we are asking them to do something that is beyond challenging for them. Yet they don’t realize that their experience is different than others’ so they have no way of telling us what is going on with their vision. Would you enjoy reading if you couldn’t sustain visual tracking across a line of print and instead picked up words above and below what you were trying to read? If reading is that difficult, it is not pleasurable and someone who experiences those types of vision challenges is not likely to choose to read for enjoyment and may become quite resistant for tasks that prove so frustrating time and time again. Some of our students do not do well with academic tasks, and it’s important to be aware that they may be capable of understanding the material but struggles with vision may hinder them. A developmental optometrist can do a full battery of tests and provide precise information on what vision struggles, if any, are impacting a child’s ability to function in accordance with her ability. They can offer treatment suggestions and strategies to address any areas of deficits in the visual realm. Heads Up offers two books that are packed with ideas for working on vision skills at home for additional practice. Seeing Clearly offers checklists and activities to help children and even adults improve visual skills. Developing Your Child for Success offers information and activities for young children (beginning around age 4 years) to work on vision skills needed for reading, writing, eye-hand coordination and more. I never would have known just by looking at Josh that he had any difficulty with his vision. I could easily have drawn the wrong conclusion about him and lowered my expectations as a result. I am so grateful that I had him evaluated and that his vision problem was identified and treated. Josh had several other learning challenges, but at least we could eliminate one of the many hurdles in his path.