More Astute Than Obtuse
I’ve been thinking about social skills lately, and how much they impact our children’s lives. Sometimes I feel confident that with enough direct instruction and practice even the most socially awkward child can succeed and have healthy relationships. At other times, though, it seems like the hard work of teaching, learning, and generalizing social skills just isn’t enough. I can have a child who has mastered basic social skills, but unless someone is willing to get to know her and become friends with her, the skill set seems inadequate and incomplete.
When I see a child who naturally picks up appropriate social skills and relates easily to others, there’s a part of me that feels a bit envious. My child has to work excruciatingly hard to learn skills that develop effortlessly for others. On top of that, I think children who struggle in this area need a friend even more than those for whom relationships come easily but often find themselves alone in social settings. I look at the families who just seem to sail through developing new relationships on a regular basis and I wonder what that would be like. I want to prompt the parents to be thankful and not take their child’s social skills for granted, but I know if I didn’t have a child with obvious deficits in this area I wouldn’t give a second thought to his social skills, either.
When my son was young, he did not make eye contact. He didn’t feel the need for it, since he could hear everything just fine without looking at the person who was speaking. Over time he learned that other people expected him to look them in the eyes, so he worked hard to discipline himself to meet that need. He went from one extreme to the other during the learning phase, changing from no eye contact to staring unblinkingly at his conversation partner’s eyes. This was perhaps more unsettling to others than the original lack of eye contact had been, so once again my son worked to make changes in the way he connected with people.
Despite his determination and ongoing efforts to relate with others, my son struggled with the unspoken rules of interpersonal exchange and many viewed him as simply obtuse. The dictionary defines obtuse as “not quick or alert in perception, feeling or intellect; not sensitive or observant.” This was his starting point. Considering how very many discreet skills he needed to learn to improve his overall social skills what he accomplished was truly impressive. Even so, I continued to observe other children who called my son derogatory names and who avoided his attempts to interact with them. When his peers did include my son in play, more often than not it was to cast him in the role of monster or bad guy and then they ran from him, screaming.
It is no wonder that some of the children who struggle socially just want to give up or in frustration decide that most other people are not worth relating to anyway. The rewards are so minimal in comparison to the effort these children exert trying to learn to relate in ways that do not come naturally for them. With little apparent success they persevere and wish for friends who genuinely like them, and for insight into the baffling hidden curriculum of social exchange. It seems that everyone else is in on the secrets of how to relate to others while the struggling child works to understand and interpret mysterious and unspoken rules that exclude and elude them.
My son worked with remarkable resiliency to be successful in social interactions. He became an astute observer as he watched for changes in facial expression and tone of voice the way a scientist studies an experiment. It seemed as if my son were a stranger in a foreign land, immersed in a language and culture that were unnatural to him. Gradually and with many bumps along the way, he learned to recognize how others expressed their thoughts and feelings. My son, who was always caring and sensitive, learned to relate in ways that were more easily recognized by those around him. He picked up on subtle differences in my facial expressions and would ask if everything was okay. When I sighed, he would check in with me to see if I was upset about something or perhaps just tired.
My son, and many like him, learn to improve their social skills and overcome their social struggles. There are occasional setbacks and disappointments but they manage to at least get by and develop genuine relationships. Some who struggle socially will only achieve a modicum of success, while others will become fluent in the language of social skills. Even for those who appear to be fluent, though, they are like second-language learners who have remarkably mastered the skills necessary to be successful in a foreign culture.
Do you have a child who can always pay attention, sit still, and comply with directions and requests? If so, you may not be able to identify strongly with this post. On the other hand, you may have other children someday or know of some who are similar to my son, Joshua. My son has always been an “outside the box” kind of thinker. He is so far outside the box that he doesn’t know the box exists. He thinks in terms of what is possible, rather than being limited to pre-existing established patterns. To say that Josh is a non-conformist would be a gross understatement. This kid doesn’t just march to the beat of his own drum; he marches to the beat of his own oboe or something. His creative thinking made his behavior unpredictable at times, which in turn made parenting him very challenging. Can you relate?
Since Josh like flannel board stories so much, I bought him a huge set of Bible flannel board pieces. I thought it would be a great way for Josh to learn some Bible stories. He loved it! As my oldest child, I thought he might like to teach some of these stories to his younger sisters and it would be good practice for his oral language skills, too. Josh dutifully repeated the story I taught him, and then devoted his energy to expressing his creativity and imagination.
brought out for a new story. I am a Mom who likes things to be in their proper place, and the flannel board set had outlines of the pieces on each storage board which greatly appealed to my desire to have things organized. Josh, however, liked to select pieces for his stories willy-nilly and (gasp) even took pieces from different boards and stories that were not grouped to together. He even mixed up the Old and New Testament pieces. It was horrible! Okay, it is probably not that big a deal to most people, but it was a battle for me to give up my neatly arranged flannel board pieces so that Josh could express his God-given creativity.
flannel pieces to work with from our large Bible flannel set. His favorite, he recalls, was the time he put the kneeling Jesus figure behind a large clay jar on a table turned on its side to provide cover. From that position, Jesus proceeded to shoot stars at his disciples across the room. And so it went in the imagination of a young boy, who believed that Jesus could do anything including spraying stars wherever He wanted them to go.
a very active girl with a lot of energy. With her sensory processing issues, she exhibited low body awareness and regulation was a challenge for her. My exuberant, active, and sensory seeking child had trouble sitting through a meal. She wasn’t a picky eater, so food aversions were not to blame. She just had a need to move around. A lot. And it didn’t matter if we were doing school during the homeschooling day, or if we were having a meal together. That girl had to move. Having been down this path previously with her older brother, I had learned to be more flexible and accommodating. Even so, it’s distracting to have a distractible child and it can be disruptive even when that is not the child’s intent. I honestly don’t believe that Beckie was trying to cause problems, and in fact I don’t think she was even aware of her movements sometimes. I would remind her to sit down, and she would look down at her legs with a surprised expression on her face as if to say, “What? I’m up again? How did that happen?” One night during dinner, my sweet Beckie was having more difficulty than usual sitting still. Her father, Scott, decided it was high time Beckie learn to remain seated during the meal. Beckie would promptly sit down as soon as she was reminded, but Scott was getting tired of having to repeatedly request that she return to her chair. After several reminders, Scott decided to kick it up a notch and be firmer with Beckie. The next time Beckie popped up out of her chair, Scott leaned over the table and pointed an index finger at Beckie. Then he used her full name, which every child knows is a serious warning sign. “Rebecca Michelle, you need to SIT DOWN!” At this point, Beckie became very still as she stared at the finger in front of her face. It was so close to her that she went cross eyed. She then looked up at her Father, eyes still crossed, and with amazement in her voice pronounced “Two Daddies!” Totally missing the point, Beckie happily discovered that crossing her eyes made things look interesting and incredibly she was now seeing double with two Daddies in place of one. I was trying so hard not to laugh that I had to leave the room. My husband wasn’t far behind me. We looked at each other and Scott said, “Well THAT didn’t work!” We continued to work with Beckie on sitting still when it was called for, with the understanding that she needed to mature and eventually would. I was crazy about Beckie, even when her zest for life couldn’t be contained. She grew, and was able to sit still when she needed to. Maturation takes time, and refuses to be rushed. We do what we can to promote and facilitate it, and then we get to practice patience. It’s so important to keep your sense of humor when you are a teacher and/or parent. Your kids will give you a plethora of opportunities to see the humor even in challenging circumstances.